HOLY SEE – In a shocking press conference Sunday, Pope
Benedict XVI revealed to the world that he will be stepping down from the
Catholic Church’s highest office. “Through prayer and reflection over the past
years,” the world’s holiest man began, “I’ve realized that Allah is the one
true God.”
Amid clattering camera shutters and roaring reporters,
Pope Benedict patiently answered questions, citing traditional Muslim folklore
as well as passages from the Qur’an to explain his decision. His session was
interrupted only once, when he swiveled South-East to face Mecca, stooped to
the ground, and recited the Asr, one of the five daily prayers central to
Muslim belief.
The startling reversal comes as a shock to many
familiar with the Pope’s policies on Islam. “Show me just what Muhammad brought
that was new and there you will find things only evil and inhuman, such as his
command to spread by the sword the faith he preached,” the Bishop of the
Vatican famously said of Islam in his 2006 lecture Faith, Reason and the
University—Memories and Reflections.
When asked about the quote, Pope Benedict sighed with
good-humored remorse and chuckled quietly to himself: “Yeah I’ve regretted that
for some time. But I was young and naïve… I see things much clearer now.
Besides, I’ve always kinda liked the thought of having a sword. The Cardinals
were a real pain on that one.”
When asked whether he would be reverting to his born
name, Pope Benedict enthusiastically interjected. “I’ve decided to change my
name to Sajjad Sayyid Ratzinger,” His Ex-Holiness explained. “I’m keeping my
surname purely for logistical reasons, so my Facebook friends and Twitter
followers won’t be confused.”
His transition hasn’t been without opposition. Hours
after the press conference, a special Fox and Friends segment aired on FOXNEWS,
featuring a picture of the Pope photoshopped to include stereotypical Islāmic features,
including: a turban in place of his mitre, darkened complexion, black hair, and
Arabic letters spelling out an endorsement of Barack Hussein Obama tattooed
across his chest. Beneath the picture, the panel discussed the possible
involvement of Pope Benedict XVI, 85, in 9/11. The segment’s title, “The Holy
Heathen,” emblazoned the lower left corner of the screen.
This morning, newspapers nationwide featured an
editorial by Bill O’Reilly detailing the parallels between the Pope’s “betrayal
of God-loving Christians everywhere” with the “betrayal of the American people
and the Constitution by Benedict Arnold, his liberal agenda, and his radical
left-wing entourage.”
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